Reboot

What is a reboot? There's the computer version, but also it means "The restarting of a series storyline that discards all previous continuity." That's where we are. 

With starting fresh in a new place, there is the mundane like setting up bills and new doctors. Then there is looking for your new favorite places and making new friends. There is really so much to settling in a new city.

Three years ago we moved from living 10+ years in a rural town to Springfield, OR. The move was actually the least dramatic thing that happened that year. The first year I didn't expect to make any new friends because it used to take me a while to warm up to people.  I met a really sweet, outgoing woman who asked me to be a part of an indoor play group and to help her on the board of directors. Her name was Ashley and I have her to thank for getting me involved in my community and getting to know people in a context that suited me well. I really wasn't that outgoing back then.

Serving others is where I am most comfortable meeting people. Since then I've done a lot of leadership training and found I can be my introverted self and still enjoy people in my own way. I don't put pressure on myself to be outgoing any more, and I give myself more grace and patience than I used to. I take the little accomplishments and don't beat myself up for not going too far out of my comfort zone. 

Rebooting means starting over with friendships, lifestyle and patterns. That means finding ways to keep in touch with meaningful friendships from afar. What I now see is so much opportunity to be more intentional about our life patterns. There were some things I wanted to change before we moved, but they were difficult to change because we were kind of stuck in certain patterns. Having to create new patterns is a great time to start fresh and plan ways we can improve.

I have never been a fan of new years resolutions. I think if you want to make resolutions, make them and stick to them when they occur to you. However, I too have been feeling stuck sometimes because patterns are hard to break and new patterns are hard to start. When you HAVE TO start new patterns, it's a great time to make sure they are patterns you want!

What do you do to start new patterns of behavior (when you aren't in a post-move situation)?

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Below are some pictures from our first trip to the local indoor park. The kids had such a great time that they both had long naps this afternoon. Even my eldest who has grown out of daily naps. 

Indor Playground End of Year Party

We had such an awesome year at WIPG. Finishing our second year is bittersweet, knowing we will miss all of our friends during the summer.

Summer becomes a time when we have to become more intentional about playdates!

Summer Fun Recap

 

Park and Picnic with friends at our neighborhood park.

Found an Insect

Nana was visiting from Alaska and we found a bug on our walk. We also found ripe blackberries.

 We found a fun place to play by the river. The kids enjoyed throwing rocks. The water was cold but pleasant in the August heat.

Yogurt at Sweeties with the Family

Frozen Yogurt, Yum!

Wading Pool fun with our WIPG Friends

Sand Park Play Date with WIPG Friends

We were invited to a birthday party at the Mollala Train Park. It was super fun family time! We got to ride the trains around the park and celebrated our friend's birthday.

Blueberry at Pisgah Arboredum

Running across the bridge, back and forth was the best!!

We met our friends at Alton Baker Park for the Bug Hunting activity. The girls mostly played. Tiger loves his little friend. We started preschool and next week we are doing "I is for insect" so it fit in with our theme.

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Hugging Style

I read this post about hugs and it is just too funny! I grew up with an Italian mom and American dad. We lived in Italy until I was 7 and I went through a bit of culture shock when I moved to the states. 

Between hugs, kisses on the cheek, it was ALL so confusing at first. Social norms were very stressful for me to learn as a young unidentified introvert. They used to call me "shy" but I wasn't really, I like being around people but I don't like being the center of attention and I especially don't like drawing attention to myself by doing something awkward. Over the years I opted to take my cues from those around me. "When in Rome!" right? I don't mind hugs but I rarely initiate unless it is a family member or very good friend and that is the kind of relationship we have established already.

I am trying to teach my own children to respect the personal space of others and I don't force them to hug even family unless they want to. I think my in-laws were uncomfortable (maybe even offended) with this at first, but I think they understand now that my 3 year old enthusiastically goes up to them and wants a hug all on her own initiative. I hope it is so much more meaningful to them than an automatic, imposed action. I find my children are naturally affectionate to those around them and they model the behavior that they see without being forced to.

As social creatures I think we need non-sexual physical interaction, though individual needs may vary greatly. You might even call it a need for platonic intimacy, which gets kind of confusing for teenagers approaching puberty and even young adults. As a society we may help our youth to recognize this need as a way to prevent pre-marital sex. We all need affection, but there is a time between puberty and marriage that we don't have many socially acceptable outlets. I theorize that it may be this unfulfilled need that we are not addressing as the average age people get married gets higher and it may contribute to the high incidence of premarital sex. (I personally don't make it my business what people do in private, but when they involve children either by influence or by conception, it becomes everyone's problem.)

On the flip side, some people feel that any physical contact is potentially dangerous for becoming inappropriate. I would argue that our puritanical values have made even hugging awkward for some who fear temptation or even just the appearance of evil. When in close proximity, it is easy to make a wrong move by accident and cause an extremely awkward moment. For this reason, many err on the side of caution and just don't hug. In an effort to set clear boundaries, some people miss out on a natural source of legal dopamine. Hugs can counter depression.

I personally don't feel that hugs are "too intimate" at all. Intent is the key. I cannot control another person's intent, but I know my own. For me it is a friendly gesture of support that communicates something words cannot. In some situations words are the wrong thing to say. 

What is your hugging "style"?

Lying Liers and Their Lies

I have always been fascinated by body language. It might be the introvert in me, or maybe I just like people watching. I have read books like "Your Body Doesn't Lie" (about applied kinesiology) and I am fascinated by Metalists. I don't believe anyone can "read minds" but I do believe some of us can spot visual cues more naturally and intuitively than others.

I recently watched a TED talk about How to Spot a Liar. The speaker, Pamela Meyer, says that many times we are willing participants in a lie. At first I thought she was a pessimist, but the more I thought about it there more I guess it must be true. If it is true, though, that people lie as much as she says we do, then I guess I understand why I seem to fail personality tests because "nobody is that honest". REALLY?? I beg to differ. I must be more honest than the average person, but I consider myself to have plenty of tact and I choose to use diplomacy and redirection rather than flat out white lies, but technically I guess that is lying by omission. Or whatever?? I am often just wanting to avoid hurting someone's feelings.

So it made me sad. That we lie to each other. It is part of our culture. Does it have to be? Is it true that we perpetuate this in our society and that we are often willing participants in the lie? We look the other way, so to speak, or even lie to ourselves and acknowledge the lie as truth, then why do we do this? Does it serve a purpose or does it just add to the confusion of the thread of reality that we claim to hold on to? What is important here?

Lies do not matter as much from people who don't matter as much to you so I have to examine it from the perspective of a loving and trusting relationship. That of spouses, maybe. Meyer says that spouses lie more to each other than people who are dating. WOW. Ok, lets assume that it's true. Why is this the case? I guess it depends on the people and what they are lying about.

If a lie is self-serving and to protect one from the consequences of something they have done wrong, then lying is bad. Sure, white lies are still lies, but do we want truth or do we want kindness? If the truth is not kind, and you really love a person, are you going to tell them the truth or are you going to be kind? Do we fault people for wanting to be kind? Do we fault people who tell the truth even if it hurts? We can't have it both ways.

In friendships we cannot keep friends if we are brutally honest all of the time. Nor can we keep from annoying people if we say "that's not true, you just said that to be nice" all the time. It is hard for a perceptive person such as myself to accept lies. I thought it was because I wanted honest interactions, but maybe it is OK to accept kindness too. If I have to choose, I would choose kindness from those who I know love me.

"But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; 

but the greatest of these is love." -- 1 Corinthinans 13:13

Thankful Day 15

I am thankful for the people in my life that can be my friend despite our differences. I hope I communicate that just because I choose to live my life a certain way that it is not a judgement against you if you choose differently. This is what works for me and I hope that what you are doing works for you. Taking offense to someone choosing differently from you is a sign of insecurity. Being forcefully argumentative is a sign that you have to convince yourself, not others. (That goes for Christians too.)

I am thankful for those who show respect for differing viewpoints, either by kind and thoughtful discussion or by restraint of comment. I have friends of different religions, different ethnic backgrounds and cultures, and different lifestyles. Nothing compels me to persuade them otherwise.

"I love you too much to argue." -- Love and Logic Institute

Lately there have been a lot of heated Facebook discussions about politics especially. Many people have posted information in line with their political stance. Recently I have chosen to refrain from commenting against those with whom I disagree ON THEIR PAGES. That doesn't mean I do not express my own opinions. I will not be silent just because I disagree with you. On my own page I have the freedom to form a rebuttal or to delete comments.

The internet is a unique platform that allows people to express their opinions without being "against" anyone personally. Without argument. The fact that it is posted publicly compels some people  to "educate" others on why they are "wrong" and that begins with a tone of condescention that I will not tolerate. There is an outlet for that, it is called a forum. Personal facebook pages are not a forum. 

I have a very limited Facebook "friends list" and I am not afraid to make it smaller for fear of appearing "not popular enough". I will block people who start drama or harass me. I REALLY appreciate all of those on my list who can differ in opinion and post what they want and what matters to them on their page.

It is not the number of friends that matters, 

but the quality of friendship!

As a Christian, I have in the past struggled with this idea of "tolerance" in balance with "evangelism" which has been highly promoted by every protestant church I have been to. After much prayer and self-reflection I have come to the conclusion that evangelism is not something I am called to do. I am not perfect and I do not wish to preach. I don't believe my salvation depends on it.

What I am called to do is LOVE. I love my friends and my family even though I do not agree with everything they say. I love them even if they are of another religion, ethnicity or orientation. If we do not agree then we should not argue. We need to lift each other up in grace and find common grounds. There is no room for judgement in any friendship.

I have a lot of respect for those who are examples of this in my life. You are a blessing to me and my life is enriched by those who love and give of themselves despite their differences with others. I hope I can be a blessing to others as well, I know I have a lot of work to do.

Thankful Day 10

"Friends are your chosen family"

I am a loyal friend, even to those whom I do not always agree on everything with. I can rekindle a friendship after months or years of non-communication. I do not, however, make friends easily. Being an introvert I am actually quite happy, and sometimes need to be by myself. I know it is hard for people who are not introverts to understand that, and I appreciate those who do.

I do not make friends with everyone I meet, but I find that I will encounter people whom I know I will be friends with from the minute I meet them. I build these friendships slowly over time and cherish the little moments of conversation or common experience and carry them throughout my life.

Whether these friendships are still consistently present in my life or not, they have shaped who I am and are a part of me. Those who have endured over the years I can truly say are like family. Even some more recent ones I covet as family members. I believe (and hope) you know who you are. If you are not sure, I guarantee I have a special place in my heart for you, forgive me if you do not know it.

I am so thankful for the jewels in my life whom I can call friends.